DALLAS – As part of our restructuring plan to bring San Francisco values to Texas, Southwoke Airlines is pleased to announce that Sam Brinton has been hired to serve as our new baggage czar effective immediately.

Known affectionately by law enforcement, TSA, and baggage handlers as “The Snatcher,” Brinton comes to Southwoke with an impressive resume that includes several successful baggage heists at some of the busiest airports in the U.S. A former nuclear energy official in the Biden Administration and LGBTQ+ puppy play kink fetishist, Brinton was selected for their unique skillset, which Southwoke believes will revolutionize the Dallas-based airlines’ baggage handling capabilities.

According to a statement released by Southwoke CEO, Bob Jordan, the decision to hire The Snatcher was made after an exhaustive search for a candidate who could help the airline tackle its ongoing baggage handling challenges.

“We are thrilled to welcome The Snatcher to our team,” said Jordan. “His expertise in luggage acquisition and distribution is unmatched, and we believe he has what it takes to lead our baggage handling operations to new heights as we work to bring more of San Francisco’s baggage to the Lone Star State.”

When reached for comment, The Snatcher expressed their excitement about their new role, saying that they were looking forward to “putting my skills to use bring more of San Francisco’s baggage to Texas.”

“I’ve spent my whole life carrying a lot of baggage, so it’s nice to finally have a job where I get to use my skillset to bring my baggage and the baggage of countless others from left coast cities like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Portland to the great state of Texas.”

Despite concerns from some passengers and airport authorities, Southwoke insists that The Snatcher will be subject to strict background checks and supervision to ensure that they don’t revert to their old ways.

“We understand that there may be some skepticism about this decision, but we want to assure our customers that their luggage is in good hands,” Jordan added.

As for what The Snatcher has in store for the future of Southwoke baggage handling, they remained tight-lipped, saying only that passengers should “expect the unexpected” when it comes to their luggage.

One thing is for sure – with The Snatcher at the helm, our baggage handling is set to be a wild and exciting ride for our loyal customers.