DALLAS, TX – Move over frequent fliers, there’s a new program in town and depending on your race, it’s your round trip ticket to Wokeville! Southwoke Airlines announced today its latest initiative, the ¡Lánzate! Racism-Express program, which offers free flights exclusively to those who identify as Hispanix and Latinx students.
You heard that right amigos – free flights only for students of a certain ethnicity! As we continue struggling to recover from thousands of flight cancellations and near daily computer outages, we’ve come up with a novel approach to change the subject: discrimination at 30,000 feet in the name of wokeness!
“We’re thrilled to introduce this groundbreaking program,” said Southwoke Airlines CEO, Bob Jordan. “We wanted to find a way to give back to the community and what better way to do that than by excluding entire groups of people based on their race? It’s innovative, it’s bold, and it changes the subject from our disastrous first quarter.
The ¡Lánzate! Racism-Express program has already faced backlash from squares who have called it discriminatory and divisive. But Southwoke Airlines is not backing down, citing the need to signal support for diversity and inclusion in its customer base by excluding everyone from the free ticket program except a certain race.
“We believe in equal opportunities,” said Jordan with a straight face. “And by ‘equal,’ we mean exclusively for Hispanix and Latinx students. It’s time we level the playing field and give these students a leg up, or should I say, a wing up, in their educational pursuits.”
When asked how the airline plans to verify the ethnicity of the students, Jordan laughed, “Oh, it’s simple. We’ll just ask for a copy of their abuela’s birth certificate or a photo of them enjoying a plate of tacos. You know, the usual.”
The announcement has also sparked a frenzy among non-Hispanic students who are now scrambling to get a fake tan and learn some Spanish phrases in hopes of snagging a free flight. “I’ve already changed my name to Juan and signed up for Duolingo,” said Kevin Johnson, a cracker from Minnesota. “I’m ready to embrace my inner Latino and get that free ticket!”
In addition to the free flights, Southwoke Airlines has also revealed plans to introduce in-flight entertainment that caters exclusively to Hispanix and Latinx passengers. This includes salsa dancing lessons, telenovela marathons, and a special edition of “Dora the Explorer” on loop.
“Southwoke Airlines is taking diversity to new heights,” said Jordan. “We’re not just an airline, we’re a cultural experience. And for our Hispanix and Latinx passengers, we’re rolling out the red carpet – or should I say, the alfombra roja – all the way to their destinations.”
Despite the controversy surrounding the ¡Lánzate! Racism-Express program, Southwoke Airlines remains committed to their vision of inclusivity, as long as you’re the right ethnicity, of course.
“We understand that not everyone will agree with our approach,” said Jordan. “But hey, let’s face it. There’s a better than even chance given our past couple of months that the Racism Express won’t even get off the ground. And who doesn’t love a good ol’ fashioned discrimination-themed giveaway program? Viva la Racism-Express!”