A message from our CEO

Here at Southwoke, we’re fully committed to DEI, ESG, LGTBQ+, BLM, BIPOC, Allyship, #MeToo and every other trendy woke acronym or hashtag you can think of. In fact, we’re so committed that we want to import those same values from other woke meccas like San Francisco and Portland to right here, deep in the heart of Texas – the stolen lands of the Caddo, Wichita, and Comanche people.

The New York Times said it best: Even though Southwoke is headquartered here in Texas, we have become California’s “unofficial airline.” In fact, our airline is so popular with California’s woke political class that state legislators are totally dependent on Southwoke functioning. We have our north star, Gavin Newsom, the great governor of California to thank for that.

And now, we promise to bring those woke values to all Texans! So, here is our commitment to Texas:

• We promise to accommodate work-shift changes for all Southwoke employees anytime they wish to participate in leftist political activism such as the Women’s March on Washington or Planned Parenthood events.

• We promise to invest where it matters most: In DEI, ESG, BLM, LGBTQ+ initiatives… and to do so even when it hurts. That may mean we have to delay investments in things like flight scheduling hardware upgrades, but we believe signaling our woke virtues is that important.

• We promise to do this, even if it risks the cancellation of tens of thousands of flights over important holidays such as Christmas or New Year’s. Southwoke believes all Americans have to make sacrifices to protect woke values, and sometimes that includes our customers.

• We believe it’s not the most qualified employee that counts, it’s the most historically marginalized. That’s why we have promised to lower our standards in the way we hire, train, discipline, and promote workers in order to benefit those employees that best represent, not the most qualified, but instead the incredible diversity rainbow.

We recognize that implementing these changes won’t be easy. From time to time, it may leave our passengers stranded and vomiting for hours. It may lead to multiple flight cancellations, re-routings, and lost bags. And occasionally it may even lead to the cancellation of thousands of flights over the holidays, leaving our customers stranded without their luggage for days on end.

But to our customers and shareholders just know that we are making these changes because we care. We care about the importance of signaling our virtues. We care about giving the appearance of standing with the marginalized communities and the discriminated. And we care enough to bring our woke culture and woke values to all Texans. Won’t you join us?

Bob Jordan
CEO Southwoke Airlines
He/Him/Two Spirit